And Lastly ...

Here's a nice gem we found before we hit the hay. ESPN actually putting something together that we enjoyed watching, because if it's awkward, we love it here at AndWhammy. Personally, while the No. 1 on this list is a classic, No. 3 is our favorite. Enjoy!

Hey, At Least We're Trying ...

By now, most of you saw the umpire, Kerwin Danley, at the Rockies/Dodgers get drilled in the jaw by a 96-mph-Brad-Penny fastball. (We're looking for a clip we can post, but can't find one. Thanks, jerk-ass ESPN). Anyways, in honor of that, check out this clip we found, to honor the thankless job umpires do, not only for overpaid major league baseball players, but your kids as well. Yeah, thank 'em, dammit.

Not Bad For a Guy With No Neck ...

Generally we really had pre-game NFL shows. The idiots on Fox and CBS bore us to no end and we just don't care. We're too busy drinking and eating cocktail weeines to be bothered by Jimmy Johnson's hair or watch Terry Bradshaw hit on Jillian Barberie. With that said, this was a pretty funny clip we found, and as for Shannon Sharpe, he's a new favorite around here.

And It Just Gets Better ...

Clearly this guy didn't know what he was doing. Our favorite part is that he can't name one basketball player besides LeBron James. Idiot, and the worst part, he makes a lot more money than you.

Get This Guy A Teleprompter ...

Whoa. This is painful to watch, yet still totally funny. We think this guy just got hired for ESPNews.

Purdy Pictures

Here's a video clip we couldn't pass up posting. We love sports photos and photojournalism for that matter. Enjoy!

Up and Sort Of At It ...

Yeah, we're up. Here's Jessica Biel to help you wipe the crust from your eyes.
We watched the NFL Draft yesterday. Yawn. That's why we're having a hard time waking up. Because it was so boring.

ESPN did a lousy job. No surprise there, since they take away the suspense of every pick by showing the jerk-ass athlete on the phone and then his momma or baby-mama smiling her head off because she realizes she just got paid.

We weren't surprised by most of the picks. Just a few in the first round that seemed out of place, such as Pittsburgh picking up Rashard Mendenhall, then of course that really helps out Wille Parker. Intriguing.

Dallas trading up to take Mike Jenkins. It was a bold move, but Mike is one of our favorites here at AndWhammy. We wish him luck even though we've personally seen him get burned by big receivers (see Louisville in 2006).
Baltimore trading up for Joe Flacco? WTF? Did Jim Harbaugh really think Flacco would be gone in the second round? Whatever. He's going to bust out. He looked really good playing Delware opponents in -- what is that? -- Division III football.

As for the second round, the 55-58 picks were really good. Big names, big schools and all good picks for those respectively teams. First, with Baltimore at 55, they picked up Ray Rice. Good move, espeically after Flacco (ever see Keanu Reeves in The Replacements? Didn't his character have the same name?) Anyways, Rice is going to be a bruising, punishing back and he's going to, perhaps not tear it up, but still, be a force for a rebuilding Ravens squad.

Then, Green Bay got Brian Brohm at 56. Nice back up plan. Brohm has a hell of a strong arm and if Aaron Rogers bails, or gets hurt for that matter. There is Mr. QB for you.
At 57, Miami did get a quarterback and not too bad of one either. Chad Henne has awesome arm strength and a tendency to hit his primary receiver. Smart move, Chad. Smart move, Tuna.

And at 58, the Buccaneers picked up a new Dexter Jackson, not the Dexter Jackson that was Super Bowl MVP for them in Super Bowl XXXVII. This Jackson, while not the biggest receiver they could've gotten, has speed, hands, route running ability and the ability to return punts and kickoffs. Word is he can burn cornerbacks, who are generally the fastest player on an NFL. Sounds smart to us.

We're done with the draft for this year, though. We have lives. We don't care about the sixth and seventh round.

One last thing to make your brain fall out of your skull, David "Big Papi' Ortiz, is out for the second-straight game with a bruised knee. We would say the Saux need him to stop the streaking Rays (that cellar of team has won five straight), but Ortiz is batting a lowly .177, with four homers and 20 RBI. You know, take a break, Davey. You've earned it. Have a nice plate of chicken, some rice, a few black beans. Enjoy the day off (that is before you're required to have knee surgery and miss the rest of the season).

With that, and the Saux will still win the AL East without Ortiz, we're off to entertain ourselves. We'll be back. Check this video out while we're gone:

Al Gore: The First Emperor of the Moon

We like Al Gore. We loved him since his appearances on Futurama, though those were aided since his daughter was a staff writer on the show. Anyways, here's proof -- yes, on a cartoon -- on why Mr. Gore was right. The clip is exactly what Mr. Gore was talking about in 2000, right before his votes mysteriously disappeared.

How 'Bout Them Apples?

So we're watching more TV -- shocker -- and we're watching NBC and the preview for one of our favorite shows, Law and Order: SVU, comes on. Turns out, Robin Williams is guest starring in the episode next week, as a very creepy character. So, we found some of his stand up, because we just had to get that image out of our mind ... until the episode comes on next Tuesday. Here's a clip that always makes us laugh and gets good mileage when we rack up snowmen on our scorecards ...

Didn't He Die In A Grease Fire...?

Nope. Tom Wilson, a.k.a Biff Tanner from Back To The Future, has a stand up act. We've never seen it, but heard its actually pretty funny. Here's a clip we've watched a million times because it make us chuckle. Watch, or make like a tree and get outta here ... Butthead!

I Need You To Committ Me ...

This one, we think, is in honor of the NFL Draft going on this weekend. See, kiddies, this can happen to you if you, too, in the NFL. They've done studies, you know. 60 percent of of the time this happens every time ...

Pick 'Em Up, Then!

Yep, we have no lives. We own this on DVD, but we laugh every time we catch it on TBS at two in the morning. Join in our Friday night plethora of YouTube videos.

We're Real Men Of Genius, Too ...

There are so many of these. Real Bud Light ones, fake Bud Light ones, however, this is one of our favorites. Think about it the next time your at a wedding for an Italian couple ...

Thankfully, We Found This ...

This, this video right here, is better than anything on TV right now. This is when ESPN and Sportscenter used to be good. We miss you, Mr. Steiner, but you did get out just in time.

However, this compilation is not perfect. It is missing the Carl Lewis singing the National Anthem clip. We'll find that one later. For now, watch Mr. Steiner laugh and count how many times he touches his right ear ...

Still Bored ...

Yep, we keep walking away from the NHL Playoffs. And we fully expect the Hornets to take the Mavs and Mark Cuban. So, instead, we were watching this, because, well, honestly, this was totally us when we were kids ...

If Only The NHL Playoffs Weren't On ...

We're bored. Enjoy this completely random, but totally awesome video we found:
MC

Big Hurt Feelings

Here's a story that, while we don't like players just thinking about money when they say they're worried about the team, we have to agree with Mr. Big Hurt on this one

Mr. Frank Thomas believes that the Blue Jays are sitting him because of his club option in 2009 is a steep $10 million. So the big guy's feelings are hurt. Someone better hold him, just like Bonds held him that romantic day (see photo). (SI.COM)

And just a side note on that photo. It's not photoshopped, but what a tangled mess of two massive baseball players. Reminds of the black snake pit at the San Diego Zoo, where many San Diegians, San Diegites -- whatever they call themselves -- get their jollies.
Really, here's what we think, San Diego:

The Air Up There ...

Surely its less polluted up there, LeBron. Tell us. What did it taste like when you jumped 25 feet in the air?

Watch for yourselves:



This should be the best dunk, that is until Game 2 for the Suns and Spurs, which will be about a week from today.

Channel Surfing ... It Should Be The National Pastime

So we had to get off WGN for a bit. That's channels homeristic announcer, Ken 'Hawk' Harrelson, who has served as an announcer for Chicago White Sox telecasts on WGN-TV since 1990, uses way too many 'we's' and 'us's' for our taste. Hey, Hawk, remember when you said you were a journalist. Yeah, that made us bite our tongue, but we all know who's paying your salary and it sure ain't WGN. Supposedly he played ball for about five minutes in the early 70s. (This is us making the jerk-off motion, just like the entire press box in Major League).

So flipping off the channel from WGN to UPN, er, uh, CW and all its ethnically balanced programming and re-runs, we caught on our favorite sex-romp shows, Two And Half Men. That's where we found, and then fell in love with Ms. Emmanuelle Vaugier. In the show she was marrying Charlie Sheen's character, cleverly named Charlie, and there was a five-minute discussion on how great her ass is. We concur.

So that's why we posted. To tell you about this beautiful new vixen we found. We're smiling and then going back to the awful announcing for the White Sox, Tampa Bay Rays game, which has the team Former-Known-As-The-Devil up 3-0. Exciting stuff. (Stifles yawn). But we're pretty sure this is how A-Rod and Abreu made up, followed up by making out for hours in the bathroom stall of a Hess Express:

We're Just Getting Warmed Up ... Seriously

We're awake, and Kate Hudson is, thankfully, with us. Wish her a Happy Birthday. She's 29 and she still has our heart from her Academy Award-nominated performance in Almost Famous.

We're going to be posting a bunch, hopefully, but this ought to make your brain fall out of your skull. It did for us, but that's just because we were laughing so hard.

Derrick Rose will be a good basketball player in the NBA, that is if he avoids injury, stays out of trouble with the law and DOESN'T FIGHT ANY FOOTBALL PLAYERS. Makes us laugh because the football player is the Nelson Muntz to Rose's Martin Prince (yep, a Simpsons reference this time, so, as you can see, we're huge Matt Groening fans). (SPORTS BY BROOKS)

From the holy-shit-what-the-hell-are-you-thinking-Dwayne-Wade Department ... SBB is also reporting that Miami Heat's Lone Star, Dwayne Wade, is dating Star Jones. Yikes. Dude, you live in South Beach(full of gay dudes). You can't swing your dick without hitting a much hotter, yet gold digging, chick. We don't care if she's lost Oprah-like weight. You can do better. (SBB)

And in your current, consistent news of A-Rod, where if he farts near the Gatorade cooler it is front-page news, it seems MLB's highest-paid player doesn't like giving teammate Bobby Abreu his due props. He likes to leave the former Devil Ray hanging. (NY POST)

Sigh. We hate A-Rod news, but here it is anyways, staring at us in the face like a stripper who wants your last five dollars you were going to use for a Frisco Melt at Steak-N-Shake at 5:30 in the A.M. Not that we've been there, seriously, but it happened to our friend once. He regrets it every time our monthly trip to the strip club.

We'll, we're off to watch baseball and you can watch some with this:

Getting Off Our Asses For Once

Mila Kunis welcomes you. It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, where we don't really care about the first day of the NBA Playoffs or whatever is happening in NHL, though you should be rooting for Sidney Crosby, that is if you're a hockey fan. He's keeping that dying sport afloat.

A quick thing that will make your brain fall out of your skull, that is if your baseball IQ were about 24.

Kyle Farnsworth has been suspended for trying to play some chin music on Manny Ramirez. Not a big shot considering how ridiculously obvious Prof. Farnsworth made the attempt (yeah, that's a Futurama reference, by the way). (ESPN)

Anyways, we'll be back later because this lazy afternoon has us seeking a nap. For now, enjoy a classic video and learn something for once!

Conspiracy! Tiger Really Sticks It To Masters Champ By Getting Knee Surgery

What the hell is wrong with us? When we first heard that Eldrick had knee surgery following The Masters we immediately thought: it's a lie, and damn: that sucks for Trevor Immelman. (ESPN)

His green jacket's hue just went down a few shades.

We're going to say it first: this is a cover-up.

Our theory: Tiger, the obsessed-with-winning dude that he is, said publicly before the tournament that he could easily win the Grand Slam, then he proceeds (and totally chokes) to not win the first leg ... then he panics about the negative PR, then he remembers that he labored to get out of a couple bunkers ... and poof: knee surgery! And phew, it's not too serious, he'll be back in time just in time for the U.S. Open!

The math works. It all adds up.

In unrelated news, it took us like four times to pass college algebra.

For No Reason Other Than Its Raw Awesomeness, Revisiting The Greatest Catch Of All Time

The NFL released its schedule today, and because we couldn't think of anything competent to write on the matter, we thought: Why not revisit this, the greatest catch in the league's history:



"I played offense, defense; I got great hands."

Yes, yes you do.

We know, it's not really related to anything schedule-wise, but eff it: We haven't seen it in years, and we were amazed it was actually on YouTube, considering it happened in ancient times.

Plus, we don't feel anything ever has been both so amazing (the balls, perfect timing, textbook tuck) and so hilarious (ponytail, high school playing days reference) at the same time.

Thank you awesome dude from the north side of Chicago. David Tyree has nothing on you.

I'm A Man, I'm 40 ... And You're Article Was Totally Accurate!

At least according to this excellent story, it pretty much was. (ESPN)

In that article by ESPN's Tom Friend, former Oklahoma State quarterback Bobby Reid (the player Mike Gundy defended in his now legendary rant) accuses his coach of faking the tirade, and that the article in question wasn't very far off base, and maybe even that the columnist's sources were the coaches themselves.

Said Reid:

"Honestly, the way I took it, I felt like it was all a front. That it was all a big show. It didn't feel genuine."

Man, you suck Mike Gundy.

You may you have faked the entire thing to possibly cover your own ass, and you accused a journalist of fabricating when you were the fabricator. And worse, at least for us, who live for this kind of stuff, the legitimacy of the greatest coach rant ever has been called into question, rendering it not nearly as hilarious. Thanks, dick.

You know what we think of that?

Garbage.

If Only We Had A Better Reason To Be Up This Early ...

Good morning. Kristen Bell here to greet you, that and from her latest movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which we'll probably go see.

Real quick this morning, as your brain falls out of your skull:

Seriously, Joe Lunardi, get a life. When the tournament is over and the teams go home, do the same. Get in your overpriced car, to your overpriced house, to your wife with her overpriced fake boobs and let it go. No once cares what you think about a 2009 tournament bracket. A bracketologist is about as legit as a tow truck company. (ESPN)

And in the how-did-this-become-news-department, that pesky David Ortiz jersey buried in New Yankee Stadium that now been unearthed, here's some chick's four reasons why it should have been left in the catacombs of the new digs. Actually, we kind of agree with her. Maybe she wants to party, because, we don't know if she knows this or not, but, we're kind of a big deal. We have many leather bound books and our apartment smells of rich mahogany. (NEW YORK TIMES, GOSSIP ON SPORTS)

A short, but really cool story on a blind guy running in marathons. Who says there always needs to be a finish line in sight? (BBC)

We love The Smoking Gun. They're so good about getting mugshots that they picked up their own TV show on the former CourtTV, now known as truTV. Here's recent drunk-driving athlete Carmelo Anthony's mugshot. Good stuff, but Melo, really, you should be home with your soon-to-be-wife. LaLa is just too good looking to be left alone. (THE SMOKING GUN, SI.COM)

And since we were checking out the virtual Swimsuit Issue (we don't buy magazine anymore), here's one of our all-time favorite SI covers, straight from the vault. Perfect pose, gold cross and all. (SI.COM)

And on a quick note, thanks to SI's Extra Mustard for linking us in their Hot Clicks section last week. We appreciate it and the more than 6,000 hits it generated for us. Cha-ching.


Tom Brady popped the question to uber-hot girlfriend Gisele Bundchen? Tom, don't do it. Think of all the other hot women you can knock up and not marry or support? Think about it, seriously. We made this video in hopes that you'll call it off. It really comes from our hearts. (NY POST)

And from the glad-it-happened-to-them-department, especially for all you Florida State Seminole and the Ohio State Buckeye fans out there, seems the Florida Gators had a little accident at their athletic facility that Gatorade paid for. Okay, here's our gripe with this: the trophy was just sitting on a coffee table outside Urban Meyer's office. Really? Why not just put it on a old ladder behind a door? Why not just use it as a door stop? UF, AD Jeremy Foley, Urban: you guys have millions of dollars at your fingertips. Buy a freaking trophy case. The BCS crystal football isn't there to keep the recent issue of Good Housekeeping from blowing away. (ST. PETERSBURG TIMES)

That's it for now, but we know exactly what our pickup line will be for Jodie at Gossip On Sports:

A Masters Moments Montage

Again, sorry about the hiatus. We've been busy protesting and ousting and we are just now getting back. Did you miss us?*

And lucky for us, we're just in time for the Masters, that (insert sappy adjective here) golf tournament that begins tomorrow morning. In honor, here are our top-5 Masters moments ever (yes, we've been watching the ESPN Classic marathon and became inspired.) Hope it helps you to get in the right mood. Year and winner in parentheses.

5. Tiger Snaps His Club (2007, Zach Johnson)

And then almost slips when he tries to finish the job.


4. Fuzzy Wuzza Dumbass Racist (1997, Tiger Woods)

Really Fuzzy? Really?




3. Tiger Becomes The New Master (1997, Tiger Woods)

How do you like these watermelons apples, Fuzzy?



2. Jack Nicklaus' Shot On 16 (1986, Jack Nicklaus)

The Second-Coolest and Second-Best Golf Shot In The History Of The World:



1. The Coolest and Best Golf Shot In The History Of The World (2005, Tiger Woods)

Best part, from CBS reporter: "There's a good chance he doesn't get this inside DiMarco's ball."



For the record, we're taking Tiger over the field, even though we won't be able to watch him tomorrow as he tees off way before ESPN's coverage begins at 4 p.m. Bet the Worldwide Leader's big-wigs are real happy about the tee times.

*Don't answer that.

Out In The Wild, Wild West

Since we were so busy chasing around the Olympic Torch with a lighter, making sure those damn hippies didn't blow it out (JK), we'd figured we'd go with any good stories coming out of the Westside.

So for starters, that's Kim Kardashian, better known as Reggie Bush's girl, both of them from Cally. So lovely. Especially here when she was in Playboy (NSFW)

Anyways, since your eyes have already fallen out of your skull, here's a few things that will make your brain fall out as well.

Speaking of the torch, it's brief America stop has been made even more brief. We suggest that if anyone in San Fransisco wants a torch, grab a bat and Barry Bonds jersey, soak in kerosine and light on fire. Should work just out fine. (ASSOCIATED PRESS)

It looks like David Beckham still hasn't grasped the whole American-style of driving yet. He was fined in LA, for making a illegal turn. Right side of the road, Davey. Right side. Just ask, Eric Idle. (LANCASHIRE EVENING POST)

What advice are doctors giving nowadays before cancer surgery? How about pitching six innings against the Los Angeles Dodgers. That's what Doug Davis did, who has been diagnosed with thyroid cancer. (DENVER POST)

This making more news in Kansas that Rock Chalk Jayhawks bringing home the trophy. What a sad state the media is in both Kansas and Atlanta that this is the biggest news. Is or isn't Michael Vick playing football in prison? Atlanta's biggest newspaper tried to find out, though we really like the lead for this story. Leavenworth Prison used to be really tough, but now it's a minimum security prison. Lucky for Vick, who could end up like Chris Rock here. (ATLANTA JOURNAL-CONSTITUTION)

And finally, while not from out West, still an awesome story, at least from the hilarious standpoint. This guy walks up to four teens, says, 'Hey, you want a college scholarship? Well, I'm going to need jailbait as payment. Pay no attention to my 10-year-old son here.' What a sick puppy. You can read the story here, but you know who we really feel bad for. Mark Adams -- that's him on the right. He minds his own business, gets paid by ESPN and some perv is trying to make him a pedophile. Yikes. We'd hate to be Adams in the morning, only to read the paper and see we'd been arrested for what this other douchebag has done. (THE NEW JERSEY STAR LEDGER)

That's it for now. We'll be back again before we hit the sack -- and go to bed. What, not rim shots. Fine, but we'll leave you with a classic West Coast video. Enjoy.

SITE UPDATE: We'll Be Back Soon

Apologies, but we've been out of town partying with Matt Leinart and bowling with Barack Obama (he barely beat us), and have had limited access to in the internet. (THEDIRTY.com & THE BIG LEAD)

We'll be back full time within the next few days. Oh, and baseball started! And that picture is what happens when you type 'hot baseball girl' in a Google search. Enjoy!